"I will say it again, Rejoice!"

I've written this post, or started to about a dozen times.  Then I delete it, or I simply don't finish it.  My draft folder is slowly filling up.

Its February, in December my Dad went for a hernia surgery and then my parents were going to head to Florida for a few weeks of sun and rest.  I'm learning that you can plan your life all you want but that we never know what is in store for us.  You see, during that routine surgery they found a mass.  A CT scan showed a tumor.  My Dad got very ill very fast, and they rushed him in for another surgery, a diagnostic surgery to see what they were dealing with.  PMP, a form of cancer that originates in the appendix.  They removed the appendix and the tumor and as much of this mucin that the tumor was producing as possible.  They found a large infection, this is being treated with antibiotics and a drain and recovery feels slow.  Today they go back to the surgeon to hear the test results from the last surgery.

And I wait, and type in one paragraph a brief outline of what has been a hard two months.  Two months of doctors and hospitals and waiting.  And raising a family and being positive.  And in all that we celebrated Christmas and helped my brother and his family prepare for their move to Australia.  

The truth friends, I'm tired and I'm scared.  My life has been shaken and I don't like that.  I'm an organizer, I have my weeks planned and I know whats coming.  Until I realize that I really don't.   At all, have a clue of what the future holds. 

Life comes with so many different struggles, so much brokenness and illness.   And yet there are blessings in the pain, we have such hope for a better tomorrow - this life is a mere shadow of what awaits us and the strength we have been given, I can't explain it.  God is our everything, and in all of this we look to Him.  And though it is hard, though life does not go as we plan or as we want, we can get through it. We move forward in faith and are thankful for all the blessings we have been given.  I come from a very happy childhood, parents who taught us by example what it means to be a living Christian. As I write this my parents and one sister are sitting somewhere in Toronto, waiting to meet with the surgeon.  I don't know what the next few hours will bring and in my head I keep saying this verse. 

Heb 12:1 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us". 

The race marked out for us - such a powerful thought.  Nothing we face is without Him, our race, our life.  All of you who are reading this have your own struggles, your own pain and your own worries.  Some of you have mourned for your unborn children, called home before you were able to hold them.  There are marriage struggles and raising children worries.  Church issues and extended family issues.  Cancer and precious babies born that will face challenges in life that we did not expect. Sin and pain swirl around all of us and yet, when we keep our eyes on Him we can rejoice in today.  Rejoice, at times with heavy hearts for those around us. 

My Mom keeps reminded our family of this verse, written when Paul was in prison.

Philippians 4:4

"Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!"

When the Unthinkable Happens

My sleep was far from peaceful last night.  The horrors that we heard over the radio, that we watched on tv making it impossible.  For the school in Connecticut that was under such violence yesterday.   Late yesterday afternoon Drew called me with a warning, watch the news, he said.  Its unfathomable to us that someone is able to do such a thing, and yet we know that Satan's reach is far and deep and unimaginable.  That the depravity of man is capable of such wickedness.

Drew came home from work and sat with the kids, holding them a bit tighter than normal. We mourn for those parents who dropped their kids off at school and came home tonight without them.  For the families that will be without a mother or a father.  We pray for the families and the friends of those who will be entering this Christmas very differently than they thought they would. 

We grieve, for we are reminded of how far the world has fallen, we grieve for the children that were subject to such violence, for those who survived and will have to learn to deal with the knowledge of something very beyond their years.   And yet, we have hope.  This Christmas season we celebrate the birth of the victorious Son.  And when we read the last versus in the Bible (Rev 22:20-21) "He who testifies to these things says, "Yes I AM coming soon.: Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.  The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's people.  Amen".

And believers will be held united these weeks as their prayers will echo "Come Lord Jesus! Maranatha!" 

Giving Thanks - Part 1

Thanksgiving found us in a rather rustic cottage.  We've fallen in love with the cabins in Allegany State Park.  They offer enough necessities(stove/fridge/heating) for my sanity to remain but remain rustic enough(no running water/bathroom) for my camping spirit.  Its a win-win and its a holiday that suits our family.

Away from all distractions, all people, all everything and it was just us. And it was good.  Very good.  We hiked and every time I looked through the camera lens I saw God's creation in a way that I have forgotten to enjoy.  To just breath and see the beauty present all around, its a gift.  I'm a city-dweller so these moments surrounded by nature is refreshing, energizing. 

Breathtaking views.

 Forests that positively glowed in colour.

I've always surrounded myself by people, thrived with having people around me. Even in high school I would often do my best studying right at our kitchen table with the flow of family around me. Now, I'm finding myself more and more craving silence.  Thriving away from people.  And I've discovered there is very much room for both.  For being surrounded and for being alone.  For giving and for reflecting.  For being there and for being absent.

Being alone with my family gave me the chance to see that my priorities have become a bit scattered. I was reminded that seeking approval from others is meaningless.  Lately, I have been too preoccupied in the opinions of those around me, and in that preoccupation I have neglected to care what my Heavenly Father sees. 

I have found myself overwhelmed in the roles I've been called to, my roles as wife, mother, sister, friend, daughter.  I catch myself struggling with trying to do all of them well, and its hard, at times impossible.  Then standing on a hiking trail, surrounded by nature I was reminded that when I strip away all my roles in life there is one that is unchanging, I am still a child of God.  And suddenly everything seemed to be simple again.  Not easy, but simple in a way that my life is not my own and it is to serve Him, first and foremost.  Above all roles, in everything I do. 

In the business of life this is quickly and easily forgotten.  Being busy in church, in school, with people, these can be good things.  But they can also take over.  And a reminder to just step back, breath and pray is good.  A reminder that life is not a competition over who is busiest, who decorates their home the nicest, who is the best mom, whose marriage is strongest, who makes the best chocolate cake.  These competitions are there because I let them be there.  Our world is broken and our lives will reflect that, but it is in giving over everything to God that we can be made whole.  And the lyrics of a song stand out to me, "when its all been said and done, did I do my best to live for truth? Did I live my life for you?".

Soon I'll share many pictures of our 4 days away, but today I wanted to give you an idea of the beauty that I saw, the beauty of creation that was such a blessing for me and hopefully for you as well.

"When its all been said and Done" by Robin Marks, you can listen to it here.

When it's all been said and done

There is just one thing that matters

Did I do my best to live for truth?

Did I live my life for you?

When it's all been said and done

All my treasures will mean nothing

Only what I have done

For love's rewards

Will stand the test of time

Lord, your mercy is so great

That you look beyond our weakness

That you found purest gold in miry clay

Turning sinners into saints

I will always sing your praise

Here on earth and in Heaven after

For you've joined me at my true home

When  it's all been said and done

You're my life when life is gone

Finding quiet in the unexpected

Sometimes I forget to blog, okay more like in the last 6 months I ignore the blog and writing has become infrequent.  The stage we're in, its hard to find moments that are lumped closely enough together to actually stay focused.  I tend to run around during the day beginning one project only to become distracted by a little one running around with an open jar of diaper cream, or handing out kisses in place of band aids and picking worms out of Jacob's pockets.  Its true.

My quiet prayer time has been found in the hanging of the laundry outside.  While the littles eat their breakfast I have found a slot of time to not be interrupted.  Its rare in this house.  I'm struggling to enjoy this stage of constant interruptions, and finding the quiet in small spaces of time has been a blessing.  Even when it means to linger while hanging laundry and enjoying the quiet of the outside on my own.

Little sister has started a shoe obsession.  Watching her slide her feet along the floor in an attempt to keep her tiny feet in my rather large shoes, reminded me that my girls are watching me closely.  It has reminded me to work harder at being content and not have them hear me obsess about the pounds I want to lose.  To not have them hear me grumbling about the skin that has lots its tightness a little more after each pregnancy, the love handles that have clung since baby number 3.  Self image, its a struggle among woman and our girls, they watch.  They learn and they copy.

This week I'm going to do more of this.  Helping Jacob with his tractor sticker book he got as a gift from his Aunt.  This little boy I fear has been a bit lost in the business and its been showing.  He's been a angry this past week, quick in tempers.  A sure sign that some one-on-one time is in need.

And one-on-one time with this little boy means listening to him describe each and every tractor in his sticker book and helping him take out stickers and build construction sites.  To me I see tractors that are the same and it amazes me how he separates each and every one.  He teaches me the different jobs they do and I'm reminded that spending time with these little ones usually means just being there, listening.

Happy Monday!

When your called to open your doors wide

When Drew and I made conscious effort to start opening our doors to our neighbors, never would I have imagined how wide the LORD would ask us to open them. 

We opened them a sliver, and soon we had neighbor kids knocking at the door.  The door opened a little wider and we joined some of the moms at the park.

Then the single mom of 3 down our street had to rush her 5 year old to the hospital with a burst appendix.  With no-one to help her care for her other 2 she called a friend from our church, a contact she had a slight connection with.  A phone call and two hours later we shuffled rooms and opened our doors even wider for her 2 year old to stay with us for a night, until she could arrange something. 

One night became 5 nights, until her Mom was able to fly in and take over.  Just as I thought I couldn't keep going, by day 3 a phone call came through.  Another friend from church was able to take him for the day, and then another friend the next day.  He played well with their children and our home became his home base.  Then a meal was dropped off at our house.  I was at the receiving end of the help from our church family while normally I'm the one organizing it.

The LORD reminded me last week of the communion of saints, the family and friends who rally around and help those who need help.  He reminded me to not take for granted the support that we have, the relationships, the constant reminder that we are not alone.  I was reminded to not become bitter at the busyness that this can make, the busyness of family gatherings and church functions.  If I'm honest I will admit that when I got that phone call I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to have the responsibility of another child, I had a large to-do list that week.  It wasn't about what I wanted, it was about a need that had to be filled, and you know what, it ended up being a huge blessing for all of us.

It was beautiful.  This little boy who stayed with us tugged at our heart strings, he followed Drew around and copied everything he did.  We saw Jacob in a different light, a boy who is quickly growing and who so willingly and eagerly moved his stuff around to give up his room.  My sister-in-law stepped in and took Kaylin for a day so she could get out of the house and enjoy some time watching her cousins' swimming lessons and going to the library. Time away from the chaos that our house was last week.  Kaylin came home with one book, a book she found for Jacob, to include him in her day out.  We saw the kids serving eachother.

It was not an easy week, it was tiring and yesterday was a bit of a melt-down day for all of us.  A day of quiet and nothing going on, a day that gave us a chance to stop.  Its not easy to open your doors for those around you, and yet the whole neighborhood witnessed something special.  Of a whole church community coming and going, picking this little boy up and bringing him to his mom and to see a doctor the morning after a croup attack.  They saw a whole team rally around this little boy, a child they had never met and I've had neighbors asking, why?

Actions speak louder than words and I was reminded of this last week.  Suddenly the list of things I wanted to accomplish last week really didn't matter.  It didn't matter that our house was a bit of mess, that I was behind on laundry, that I never choose the paint for our bedroom, that I never made it to the store to find something new to wear to church.  What did matter was giving this little boy a stable home to sleep, what did matter was showing our children that to serve others was not only when we wanted to, or when it worked for us, but when they landed on our doorstep and we had to make it work.

I'm thankful this week that life is back to "normal", that over the weekend we were able to celebrate my brother-in-law's 30th birthday, the baptism of my new niece.  I found myself surrounded by family for two days,  I cuddled with both the new babies in our family and I was thankful.  So completely and wonderfully thankful for the family and friends around me.